After Much Mulling...

Camilo, this campus is just filled with truly interesting people, isn’t it? Next time I’m in the library I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for Linda—I want to see for myself what she’s all about, and maybe ask her a question or two about what sounds to be a very exciting life.

I particularly liked the juxtaposition between her two jobs, helping raise six children while also helping six others die. The detail about the real estate agent’s advice also nicely foreshadows and builds tension, reminding the reader that this is a story about Linda’s abandoning her home and what she knows, in order to try a new lifestyle in Casablanca.

While it is very good, at times I forgot the article’s purpose and I feel like I want to know more about her reasons for joining the Peace Corps. The idea is riveting in the beginning, but then disappears until the very end. I think I would have been more invested if it had been consistent. Also, more emotional cues would make the narration more appealing to me. I want to know about this lady and all the busy thoughts that absolutely must be running through her head all day.

This was great to read!

Emily, I so enjoyed reading your piece. It is really a story. I love how you craft these scenes, set the pace so deliberately, and also characterize strangers in such a way that they are intimately familiar. Some of the language, like where you describe Fitzpatrick as having “fallen in” just sounds so perfect. It fits beautifully and feels totally authentic—I believed you as the narrator, like you have the inside scoop and are cool enough to just be at home in this clearly bizarre environment.

There were a couple sentences that were a little long. I felt myself getting lost in the paragraph beginning with “Currently, though…” but I think it’s just a matter of some strategically placed punctuation. Also, something Aaron told me is that quotes should stand alone as their own paragraphs. Of course it doesn’t make a difference when we’re blogging, but it really does look so much better in print. I’ve also found it makes it easier for me to read my own writing that way. My only other question is if there’s a way you can focus totally on Fitzpatrick, without confusing the profile subject for being the space. I flip-flopped back and forth while reading, and it could have just been my own interpretation, but I wasn’t entirely sure at all times who/what I was learning about
Looking forward to discussing tomorrow!


Maureen, let’s take these girls out on the town. They sound totally miserable. I’m interested in the story here, though, and I want to know more about what makes Jane have such strong convictions. Like, is it the fact that during so much of her life she’s been in this geographic limbo that she feels she doesn’t want to make friends for fear of losing them again? What does she consider her roommates to be? What is her GPA and what does she want to do with all this acquired knowledge?

The dialogue you included is what really ropes me in—that bit about friends just being a waste practically had me scribbling questions for me to ask her! I like how the piece ends with Jane going to bed; it is very fitting for the piece and I totally envision the article, Jane, and all her books being tucked in under the covers.

Looking forward to hearing more about Jane and what drew you to her.

Lindsey, I am so thrilled you decided to profile The Strutt. It is such a funky little place, and Darren is an absolute character. I also learned a lot! Your imagery sold me on the piece—I love your description of the place as being “freckled with fliers,” and also the mini-turn in the sentence “But don’t get the wrong impression, this classy joint is the furthest thing from a pizza place.” There is such authority in your voice! I wanted to hear more and more and more. Also, the mention of the herb garden is so graceful; not too forceful, just functional and just right.

I also like how you characterize the entire establishment as being enthusiastic, hopeful, and most of all, ambitious, by describing the many different avenues for development (ie. the record company, the brewing, etc) that is taking.

There were just a couple points where the sentences got a little bit long. I’m sure reading it aloud would fix them.

On a separate note, Emily actually did a really wonderful profile on The Strutt last quarter for the Index—if you want to take a look at it, I would be happy to get you a copy.

Lots of fun to read!


Schafer, Johnny sounds like he would be a blast to hang out with. Now I know why you were so excited about profiling him! He really is the pied piper of 2009, and what could be better than that?

Oh, balloons.

The image of him touching his lips and then remembering he no longer smokes is truly priceless. It’s clear that you’re inside his head and relate to him on a level that cannot be explored in simple conversation. You bring it to the page very clearly! I heard his voice, “thick and full of rubble,” and adore the fact that he paraphrases Leonard Cohen—now that is a man.

Your very casual description of the “sleeping, possibly dead, homeless man,” is so tragically you I smiled and laughed. It’s brilliant. The whole paragraph beginning “The Sunday before that…” is completely and utterly radical. Loved it from start to finish.

I did, however, have some questions. The sentence “Rather he, and his lyrics, seem toughened by the very act of life, still kicking, but weary,” is beautiful but the image doesn’t totally come across to me. I read it a couple times and got the gist, but was more slowed down than anything else.

Also, when the freak does the drummer arrive? Happy ending? Pashaw.

Marni, this sounds like it’s going to be a really great piece on a very overachieving international student. I can’t wait to read more! The detail about cultural differences clashing, confusing Akiko, and causing feelings of doubt and guilt gave me a glimpse of the person. She sounds great. Also, the exchange she shared with Amel is truly priceless. I would love to know how that conversation went.


Colin, first of all I think we need to make everyone play patty-cake tomorrow while we set up dinner. Deal? Okay, great.

Second, having spent many an hour in that godforsaken waiting room, I especially appreciated your descriptions and insight. There were several points where you brought to life the unquestionably unliving; like, for example, when you describe the door's handicap assistance taking over, "mechanizing your entry." The familiarity of the place, paired with a machine-like coldness, is so true and in your face it’s startling.

The image of the mirror's image repeating into infinity: awesome. There really is no way out of that place, and you show it in a bunch of innovative ways. The details about all sorts of people traversing the tracks is another good example. I would like to hear more dialogue though, and perhaps say a bit more about the police officers--I remember them being quite stringent.

When you introduce the problem, the murder, you do so with such a startling calm that it is eerie, and only further enhances the tone.

Oh, and finally, or wherever I am at this stage, I SO enjoyed reading this! I look forward to hearing more juicy descriptions tomorrow…err, later.