Comments All Around

Colin, let me start by saying that the lead is absolutely awesome. You set the tone in a very genuine way, and major props on brilliantly welcoming the reader to Detroit. Now, in order of appearance, more specific comments: "overhead" is one word. What procession are you referring to? Is it the crowd of strangely dressed stoners making their way to DEMF?

Your description of Hart Plaza lobby, and also of metropolitan Detroit, is really moving; the paragraph that begins "This is true..." is very poetic and somber. It works well juxtaposed to the excitement of the festival. Also, by focusing on how downtrodden Detroit is, and that awesome quote from DJ RJD2, you do a great job negotiating between big picture and small picture.

Okay, seriously what was Afrika Bambaataa talking about?

Thank you for referring to Detroit residents as "townies."

Do you think you could you introduce DJ's names differently? The parentheses are a bit contrived and impersonal.

The "Fuck that building, it's about the music!" quote is so strong; could you put it in earlier, like maybe where you're initially describing how downtrodden the city is?

Also, explicitly name DEMF. You say what it was originally called, but never name it outright. Not everyone is as hep and you and me.

Kill the second to last paragraph; the tone doesn't match.

I loved the whole piece but didn’t feel there was really a conclusion at the end. Could you wrap it up differently?

Maureen, I would never have guessed that Javin is the person you were describing. I had no idea he is so miserable. There are some really strong images and quotes here; the piece is strengthened dramatically by such authoritative sources as Zaide Pixley and Pat Ponto. They definitely ground the issue presented by Javin’s unhappiness.

The paragraph that begins “I don’t fit into any group here..” is particularly touching and endeared Javin to me; the image of him looking in the mirror is golden. Also the line about his neighbors being the “parking lot entrance door and the lounge,” works very well.

At times, I got a little confused about where the article was going. Specifically, the section about African American students at K made me wonder if you were attributing his unhappiness to a greater racial divide on our campus. I would be careful about generalizations.

Also, I assume Javin and Ashlee are friends but I think it would be clearer if you explicitly stated their relationship or connection.

Emily, this piece was such a joy to read. From the title, “Natalie Next Door,” to the charming kicker, I was very much endeared to Natalie, and invested in her story. You tell it well and absolutely do it justice! The introduction is crafted to artfully and I love the image of her carrying “the energy of a larger city.”

I’ve found it difficult to make the “I” character work in my own pieces, but it’s something that you do very, very well. I appreciate your presence here especially because it allows you to provide an emotional guide to the conversation. Your reactions and inner dialogue are stellar.

Oh Schafer, I’m so pleased you chose the cemetery. You absolutely do Bardeen justice. Your snarky tone, dressed in black leather jacket and sunglasses, fits very well here. My only major critique is one that came up a couple times: I think you know the place so well that at times sweet little details get left out. I scribbled masses of questions and suggestions in the margins, but for example when you’re talking about the small puffs of smoke rising, that might be a good place to say more by appealing to other senses (Does it smell skunky? Can you hear lighters and giggling?)

The pacing is very well done throughout the piece, but I don’t think the final paragraph is done justice. I think you could break it up into a couple baby paragraphs, vary sentence lengths significantly, and maybe instead of concluding with the idea that the scenery is fleeting, tack on some sort of super-brief, potentially trite and editorialized comment like, “How tragic.”

Marni, I’m so glad you decided to write about the Nutritional Value system. The delayed explanation in the lede works really well and absolutely pulled me in. Although, not to knock my own brain power, I was slightly distracted…okay, confused…by the shapes, the hexagons and diagonal shelf, in the first sentence—is there a way you could simplify the description?

Also, your cast of characters is so complete! It was a treat getting to meet each new “foodie” (I absolutely love that you worked that phrase in!); there are just enough details to flesh each person out, and I felt invested and excited about what they were saying. Using Carrie Brankiewicz worked really well, too; her presence definitely added an air of authority to the piece.

I think that you’re using the Nutritional Value scheme to look at the ways in which healthy eating and nutrition are already being addressed, and also why they are an issue, but I kind of want the big picture-small picture relationship more clearly defined. Maybe some statistics would help?

Camilo, you did such a good job characterizing Rufus. I think what makes your article so strong is the way you contrast perspectives by showing the differences in Kenyan and American life. It works best when you directly quote Rufus (side note: can you use his last name?). The fourth paragraph is really awesome, especially where you discuss his “elegant outfit”—the way either he gently pokes fun at himself, or the way you editorialize to do it, is amusing and quickly works to make Rufus a likeable character. On that note, I am going to be slightly biased and say that I wish you had said something about how he is absolutely always smiling, or that he greets everyone he sees—those details are important to people who don’t know him.

While I enjoyed reading “The Tribe Man,” at times I did wonder what the ultimate focus was. Is it a profile of his experience in America? Is it about the differences between Kenyan and American life? Is it about how international students experience K? I think they’re all very valid stories, but I do think the article would benefit from having its purpose more clearly defined.

Lindsey, I don't know how effective it is for you to frame the piece by asking about a serious topic while being preoccupied by the game. Also, the quotes Laura gives sound slightly contrived, but then again that could just be a side effect of economic-talk.

In the second paragraph, you name the first thing that can happen when adolescents go off to college, but what is the second? Maybe they should be introduced alongside each other.

Though the information you present is very interesting, it doesn't necessarily seem to fit within a single theme. The article comes off as an explanation of several ANSO experiments, rather than an in-depth look at a single issue, like student's apathy toward world events, or why majors are so divided between genders.